25Oct 2011 Song of Solomon 8:14

¹⁴Come away, my lover, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the spice-laden mountains.

These concluding remarks by the wife to her husband are an invitation to him for intimacy. She wants him to be intimate with her. She has responded to his overtures, and is ready. He in turn has responded to her images with images of his own. This back and forth, give and take, builds excitement and connection. We might use popcorn and a movie, holding hands and glances of the eyes. We might write a note and leave it on the pillow, or bathroom mirror. Or make a favorite meal and wear something special. The important point is that we know the language of connection that our spouse speaks and that we respond in kind with them. We might not speak of a spice-laden mountain, but we must speak this language of connection. Maybe we talk about the books being read, or the movies watched, something that builds common experience. Sex is not enough to sustain a relationship, the divorce rate proves that. We are more sexed than almost any group of people in the history of the world. If sex were the solution, we would be the most satisfied of all peoples. But instead, we are some of the most dissatisfied. When passions get aroused outside of the marriage bond, they can be, and often are, the tornado that tears apart relationships and society at large.

24Oct 2011 Song of Solomon 8:1

¹If only you were to me like a brother, who was nursed at my mother’s breasts! Then, if I found you outside, I would kiss you, and no one would despise me.

PDA, Public Displays of Affection, vary from culture to culture and change over time. We know from watching the news that in most Muslim countries women must stay covered from head to toe when outside the home. Only close family may see them, and only females can touch females, except close family, and not in public. A friend noticed something here in Tennessee a few months ago. A group of Muslim men were eating in a restaurant and some kids kept running up to their table and then disappearing. It turned out that the women were eating in a completely different part of the restaurant with the children. They were not even allowed anywhere near their husbands! Now doesn’t that make you want to become a Muslim! I digress! The wife in our text wants to be able to step out of her culture and express her desire for her husband publically. She “wants” him! But she is not allowed to express it in public. We have few of these kinds of restrictions. Sometimes I wish we did; seeing couples making out with the words “get a room” running through my head, makes me want some tighter social rules. This wife wants to be able to publically say she desires her husband, not because she wants to flaunt cultural norms, but because she wants her husband to know he is desired by her. This is part of that dance of desire that makes for long-lasting intimacy in marriage, the kind that keeps burning for years.

23Oct 2011 Song of Solomon 7:9

⁹and your mouth like the best wine. May the wine go straight to my lover, flowing gently over lips and teeth.

This verse starts with the husband saying that his wife’s mouth is like the best wine, and ends with her offering him this wine. This chapter is filled with imagery that evokes passion and desire. He said she was like a palm tree with clusters of grapes for breasts, and that he was going to climb the tree and hold the fruit. No wonder she invites him in; this is romantic. He is using the language of his culture to show his bride that he desires her. I am not sure how to say this in NASCAR language, but I am sure it can be done. “I want to rev your engine and polish your chrome.” Too often male advances are simply, “I want to get the checkered flag.” There is no sense of leading up to, no building of suspense. Part of good romance is this gentle building toward closeness. How do you build toward closeness? What are the words and actions that get expressed? I like the image of a woman being like a crockpot, and a man like a microwave oven. One must be plugged in hours in advance of a ready meal. The other happens in a few moments. But, for real intimacy, both partners must have this sense of anticipation, a sense of building toward closeness. So go plug in, and let it get warmed up.

22Oct 2011 Song of Solomon 6:5a

^5aTurn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me.

Lest you think that only women get overpowered by love, here is a husband who is overpowered by his wife’s eyes. He melts under their spell. I have been married for thirty one years. I still melt under my wife’s eyes! Now her eyes are not only beautiful, but behind them are all those years of memories, all that laughter, all those tears, all behind the beautiful eyes. Does that mean that every moment over the last thirty one years has been perfect? Of course not! But I have and continue to choose her as the object of my gaze. And even though she is blurry without my tri-focal glasses, she is still my love. And that choice seals my heart. The problems arise when we allow another’s eyes to capture this kind of gaze. There will always be other eyes that can capture. But they don’t have the history of connection that your spouse’s eyes do. So choose to be captured by your spouse’s eyes. Take time to remember the reasons you first fell in love. Remember the good, rich times of connection. Keep them fresh in your memory. Mull them over often, and talk about them with your friends, and with your spouse.

21Oct 2011 Song of Solomon 5:6

⁶I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.

What do you do when someone criticizes your spouse? Do you jump on the band wagon and let all your feelings come pouring out? This is one of those keys to a long relationship. We have to control our reactions to a lack of information. This bride has to control her reaction to her husband not showing up when he was expected. The beginning verses appear to be the recounting of a dream, a dream in which she sees her husband at her door, wanting to come in and be with her. But she awakes from the dream only to find no one at the door. She searches for him and gets mugged, at least that is how I read these verses. Then her friends come. She could talk of all her disappointment, but instead she shares her longing and of her positive opinions of her husband. What a contrast to what usually happens when spouses get together and talk about their partners! Usually they degrade into a “my spouse is worse than your spouse” bashing party. Can you imagine if we got together and shared the positive attributes, uplifting our spouses instead of tearing them down? It might change your attitude and your marriage. This wife in our text has a longing for her husband that is more than sexual, because her relationship with her husband is more than a sexual one. Her connection is more than sexual. She is connected, even though he is not there. That connection can be hard to live with. Many people, especially soldier spouses, learn to not connect, because to really connect would be too painful, because the long separations and possible death. The longings can drive you nuts! So we don’t really connect or reconnect.

20Oct 2011 Song of Solomon 4:16

¹⁶Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.

These words are in response to the husband’s description of the desirability of his wife. He did this using the images of fruit and sweet spices. He said her garden was locked up and filled with all these good things. She now invites him into her garden to enjoy the fruits found there. Part of this dance of desire is what dating is about, but it shouldn’t stop when the dating stops. Part of keeping a relationship alive is for the man to continue to desire his wife, and for his wife to respond to his overtures of desire. When we are young there are usually more frequent overtures than in old age, or at least overtures that end up between the sheets. Old age overtures might be just as frequent, but end with a held hand and smiles in both that radiate. The point of these overtures is the creation and maintenance of the relationship. They provide the connections that make life safe and productive. And these connections start with the expressions of desire, and the attendant responses. This back and forth is what creates the connection. One desires and the other responds with desire. One says that they want a connection, and the other responds saying that they also want the connection. Go and ask for that connection today. Respond to the invitation to connection. It may not end between the sheets, but this kind of connection is always fulfilling.