Proverbs 15:1
This
proverb is one of the most obvious truths, but one that is very difficult to
carry out in our lives. It is a challenge to not reply to an angry accusation
with anger. When we feel attacked, we most often want to attack back. We use
this counter-attack to create a safe space between ourselves and our attacker.
It
takes discipline to not answer with these defensive words, to realize that they
are not necessarily attacking us personally, but that they feel as if they need
to use anger in order to be heard. What they are saying is so important to
them, that they feel they must be heard. They have not been heard in the past,
so they raise the volume so that they can be heard, or at least this is what
they think and feel.
If
we become a “shock absorber” for these kinds of attacks, not answering in kind,
but instead answering gently, the mood gets defused. Remember, it is not a
personal attack. You just happen to be in the firing range at that moment. You
are standing there, but their anger comes from somewhere else, often another
time. If we can learn this simple truth, that the anger is not an attack, we can
answer with compassion and understanding instead of anger.
Our
need to protect ourselves can make things worse. If we fire back with an angry
reply, even if justified, the argument continues to escalate, often spinning
out of control.
Couples
often get into this kind of dance. So do parents with teenagers! Instead of
responding in anger, we can reflect the other person’s emotional engagement by
validating their emotion. “I can see you are really angry about this.” “This
seems to be really important to you.” “It seems like you don’t feel like you
are being heard.” If we are able to slow it down and talk about what is really
going on, rather than reacting to the emotion of the moment, the conversation
can become very productive rather than destructive.
So
next time someone comes at you in anger, as long as you are not in danger, give
a gentle answer and see what happens. Slow down and respond, realizing that the
anger is probably not really directed at you because of something you have
done, but you are just a convenient target. Be a bull fighter and hold the cape
and allow the bull to pass right by thinking he is hitting something important.