Relational Shock Absorber

Proverbs 15:1

      This proverb is one of the most obvious truths, but one that is very difficult to carry out in our lives. It is a challenge to not reply to an angry accusation with anger. When we feel attacked, we most often want to attack back. We use this counter-attack to create a safe space between ourselves and our attacker.

      It takes discipline to not answer with these defensive words, to realize that they are not necessarily attacking us personally, but that they feel as if they need to use anger in order to be heard. What they are saying is so important to them, that they feel they must be heard. They have not been heard in the past, so they raise the volume so that they can be heard, or at least this is what they think and feel.

      If we become a “shock absorber” for these kinds of attacks, not answering in kind, but instead answering gently, the mood gets defused. Remember, it is not a personal attack. You just happen to be in the firing range at that moment. You are standing there, but their anger comes from somewhere else, often another time. If we can learn this simple truth, that the anger is not an attack, we can answer with compassion and understanding instead of anger.

      Our need to protect ourselves can make things worse. If we fire back with an angry reply, even if justified, the argument continues to escalate, often spinning out of control.

      Couples often get into this kind of dance. So do parents with teenagers! Instead of responding in anger, we can reflect the other person’s emotional engagement by validating their emotion. “I can see you are really angry about this.” “This seems to be really important to you.” “It seems like you don’t feel like you are being heard.” If we are able to slow it down and talk about what is really going on, rather than reacting to the emotion of the moment, the conversation can become very productive rather than destructive.

      So next time someone comes at you in anger, as long as you are not in danger, give a gentle answer and see what happens. Slow down and respond, realizing that the anger is probably not really directed at you because of something you have done, but you are just a convenient target. Be a bull fighter and hold the cape and allow the bull to pass right by thinking he is hitting something important.

Tall Tale

Proverbs 14:3

Sometimes we say too much. This is especially true when we are bragging about something we have done. The human tendency is to embellish the story with each telling. We don’t mean to change it, or purposefully make the story better, but we add little details to paint ourselves in a better light.

This seems especially true for those people who have a personal story that matches every situation. They are in a conversation with a group of people and every story that is told by someone else gets matched with a story from them. And of course their story is funnier, or more tragic than the story told by the other person. They always win the one-ups-manship battle.

Now maybe their life is the most interesting on the planet. Maybe they do have experiences that match with everyone in their world. But when people express their pride in this way, it gets tiresome. They seem to dominate the conversation and turn it toward them.

I think Mark Twain might have had this verse in mind when he famously said “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” When we say too much, we often say too much.

We need to learn to curb our responses. This is especially true for those who have a camera pointed at them. Now a word spoken years ago can be brought up again to hurt. Even in a marriage, words spoken in the heat of a moment, can be brought up again and again because of the pain they caused.

I find that if we can remain silent when attacked, not responding with the immediate answer that puts our attacker in their place, then our answers will be more appropriate. But if we lash out in that moment, we will regret what we say. Our pride will take hold and set the timer on our destruction.

We can become a shock absorber, letting things said lose their potency with our lack of response. When we don’t react in kind, the other person really doesn’t know how to react. They were expecting their emotion to be mirrored by you. They expect an anger response from their angry outburst. They expect sarcasm when they have been sarcastic. So when you give them a response without the poison, they lose their bearings. They don’t know what their next move will be. You have changed the rules of the conversation.

I want to encourage you to say less in response today, to measure your words, saying only what is absolutely true.